Requests

Qualities of Effective Requests:

... Present time
... Doable
... Concrete
... Specific
... Positive (what I do want, not what I don't want).

Two types of requests:

Connecting requests - for opening, clarifying and encouraging the connection between us; includes
    your reflection of what you're hearing from me; and
    how you are feeling about what I said.

Solution/action requests -proposed strategies to meet everyone's needs.

Types of Effective Specific Requests:

1) SELF-REQUEST:
"I'd really like to ..." (a request or acknowledgement to self, used for self-connection and self-care)

2) EMPATHY and UNDERSTANDING:
(determining whether our messaages are being received to our satisfaction)
"So I can know I've been understood..." or "So I can know how I'm coming across..."
"Would you be willing to tell me what you are understanding me to say?"
"Would you be willing to summarize what you just heard me say?"

3) OPENING, CLARIFICATION, and CONNECTION:
"I'm not sure what I want right now. Would you be willing to guess so that I can get clearer on this?"
"Did you hear what I just said as criticizing you, or as telling you what was going on with me?"
"When you agreed to that, did you feel confident that you really had a choice, that it would have been OK to say 'no'?"
"Would you be willing to toss some ideas around to find something that works for both of us?"
"How could I have asked you for what I want ... in a way that you would not hear criticism or a demand?"

4) SPACE, PROTECTION, INTEGRITY, and BOUNDARIES:
"Stop.", "Can I just stop you for a moment?", "Wait", "Whoa!", "Now, just hold your horses!"
"Relax, let's talk about this."

5) FEEDBACK, HONESTY:
"How do you feel when you hear me say that?"
"Is there anything you need first, before granting my request?"
"Would you tell me if you see a way that both of us could be satisfied right now?"
"Would you like to tell me what you wished had happened?"

6) ACTION
"Would you be willing to ..."

7) GROUP:
"I there anyone whose needs would not be met by mmoving forward <in a specified way>?"
"Are there any needs that would not be met by moving forward <in a specified way>?"




... MANY more on Pg.32 of the "Commpassionate Communication" binder!